For years I neglected to notice just how often I was questioning myself if I was in a “toxic” relationship with my boyfriend (present day, my ex). Like most who are in denial, I suppressed that thought every time it tried to creep up on conscious, telling myself “no, everything is fine.”
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It occurred to me, that the toxic relationship I was questioning was more so a toxic relationship with myself, not my partner. I had been dating someone on and off for roughly four years. We had been living together for a year and a half at this point. Obviously, it was a relationship that I chose to put myself in. 90% of the time I was truly happy, but there was a missing piece that I later discovered was true self love and acceptance. The gym, my job, traveling, whatever it was, I was happy in that present moment, but I knew there was still something missing.
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I officially ended this relationship in May 2016 after I was craving a change. A change I never could seem to put my finger on where exactly it needed to take place. I never wanted to end this relationship mainly because we were living together and I was terrified to “start over”. Getting a new house and being single again sounded straight up horrifying. However, I knew this was the wrong, and most selfish, reason to stay in a relationship. To be fair, I had to speak up and tell him what I was feeling. I, honestly, would have never took a leap of faith, packed my stuff and found a new living arrangement if I hadn’t stumbled across someone on “Facebook”. I noticed we attended the same high school, but we hadn’t hung out before. This person (for privacy reasons, I won’t expose names) wrote me a message and we began chatting which resulted in exchanging cell phone numbers. After about a week of nonstop texting, I found myself in a bar “officially” meeting this person for the first time (along with a group of friends).
Let me just say, this new friend of mine had amazed me in so many aspects. I kept thinking to myself, “Who is this and why are we just now crossing paths?!”
2 am slowly crept up on us and it was now closing time. The night had flown by, and I was happily in the arms of a stranger.
Months pass by, and we are inseparable. Every day and night, it’s the only thing on my mind and I wouldn’t have it any other way. There was absolutely no one else I would’ve rather had kiss me goodbye every morning before leaving for work at seven am.(I think what really sealed the deal was there was always coffee every single morning chilled in the fridge just waiting for me- kidding.)Many of my close friends said I had “blossomed” into a totally different girl since we met.
Here is where I went wrong– I placed my happiness in this persons hands because I was so caught up, but I didn’t realize it at the time. The relationship came to a halting stop. We lead two different life styles from day one, but I overlooked this. I was a health junkie and gym maniac. My new fling loved to party like weekdays were weekends. I had no problem with this at all. However, later on down the road, our life styles began to clash in the wrong ways. I was confused, sad and lost. I felt like everything had fallen apart, again.
I questioned myself why this was happening, again.
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Instead of falling into a funk, I decided to reevaluate everything that had happened. Reflecting is something I failed to do, but I can tell you, it’s the best way to understand life’s events. Months later, I realized that this person crossed my path because I needed to get away from the relationship I was in previously. Like I said earlier in this post, had I not received that Facebook message, I wouldn’t have left. I would not have evolved into the woman I am today. I loved the hardest, and was still knocked the ground. I had to make mistakes, I had to struggle, but I am beyond thankful because I am proud of who I am today. Through all the turmoil that occurred over the years, I am grateful it happened.
Finding happy 